David Butler II-USA TODAY Sports Notes, musings, and observations from the New England Patriots’ 6-0 loss to the Los Angeles Chargers. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: The 2023 New England Patriots stink. 1. I’m just going to get right into it, because I don’t need to remind everyone what a disappointment this season has been; we bear witness to that every time the Patriots take the field. However, as the year draws to a merciful close, I invite you all to savor these last few weeks and marvel in just what we’re all experiencing right now. 2. And I don’t use the word “marvel” lightly, because a marvel is what it is. We all have the honor of watching one of the most inept offenses in the history of professional football. And I mean entire history, not just the Super Bowl era. This is a team that has scored one touchdown in three weeks of football. They have allowed 10 points or less in each of those three weeks, yet still managed to lose. The last team to go 0-3 while only conceding 10 or less points was the Chicago Cardinals back in 1938. You need to go back to pre-WWII America to find an offense this inept. If you can’t appreciate something that amazingly awful, I don’t know what to tell you. 3. Those Cardinals ended up losing four straight in such a manner, though, so Thursday’s game just got a lot more interesting. 4. Some more good news: I honestly can’t remember I’ve spent an NFL Week 13 as stress-free as I did yesterday. Zero nerves, zero stress, zero keeping an eye on scores around the league as playoff seeding stopped being a future problem and came knocking very loudly on the door... just me, some beverages, and a lousy football game about which I cared not a whit. 5. And I’m glad I didn’t care, because everything about that game was completely unwatchable. The Chargers only put up six points on drives of 27 and seven — that’s right, seven — yards. In an era where the rules have been specifically designed to completely, and unfairly, favor the offense so the NFL can profit off of fantasy football and sports betting, two teams combined for six total points. 6. I wonder what Philip Rivers, who went 0-for-life against the Pats, thought when he saw that game. He’s notoriously polite, so I’d like to think he yelled out something like, “Son of a fruit bat, what the hay?” But who knows. 7. Can’t ask for a much better start for Bailey Zappe. A DeVante Parker drop on a pass behind him, a short Rhamondre Stevenson run, a quick screen for no gain, punt. 8. We also saw throws behind the receiver, dumb penalties, and JuJu Smith-Schuster falling down as the ball came his way. Zappe was clearly able to pick the 2023 offense up without missing a beat. 9. I will say, though, that the Patriots actually looked like an offense yesterday. They looked like a very, very, very, very, very, very bad NFL offense. It is with zero sarcasm that I say that it represents a fairly large improvement from weeks past. 10. Case in point: my favorite play of the game might have been a 5-yard Zappe scramble on 2nd-and-6 about halfway through the first quarter to set up a 3rd-and-1. Everyone was covered, so Zappe took off to gain some yards and keep the drive alive. He didn’t start running around in circles before throwing a pick-six off his back foot. That’s some nice progress. 11. But I should also admit that when, in my opinion at least, the entire offensive game plan is “For The Love of Tebow Just Don’t Turn It Over” and three of your quarterback’s five first-half completions were passes behind the line of scrimmage and one went for two yards and the fifth for eight, you’d be reasonable to not put all that much weight into... well, anything. 12. But hands down my highlight from yesterday was listening to Gene Steratore so busy ball-washing the refs and the NFL on the tipped/non-tipped pass that resulted in a flag that it didn’t even cross his mind that they blew the call and the ruling on the field stood. 13. I never root for injuries for any player, particularly players on my own team. An all signs point to it just being an ankle sprain without too much time missed. But for his own sake, I was morbidly glad to see Rhamondre Stevenson go into the locker room. With Demario Douglas also missing time because of that clothesline from last week that got neither a flag nor a fine, Mondre represented the only real offense this team had yesterday. Kind of feel like an ankle sprain is a best-case scenario as opposed to him getting 35 touches and breaking down slowly. 14. The game was over with about 10 minutes left in the second quarter, when the Chargers took a three-point lead. That I write that note with zero facetiousness is one of the most absurd things I’ve experienced in my 37 years as a Patriots fan. 15. It’s impossible not to feel for this defense. It’s patently absurd to expect to hold an opposing offense to zero points, particularly when your own offense is good for at least one turnover and short field a game, not to mention a special teams unit that also gives up big plays. They’re a legit good unit, without their best pass rusher and best corner, but it doesn’t matter. 16. I mean they’ve allowed 46 points over four games. They’ve lost them all. 17. And, of course, when your offense has 16 points, 19 punts, six interceptions, and one touchdown over the last three games — Chargers, New York Giants, and Indianapolis Colts, mind you — you just kind of have to throw up your hands and laugh. 18. But hey, we got another deep shot to Tyquan Thornton, and it was a solid throw. Zappe put it right in front of Thornton in stride with nothing but green in front of him. And when the ball sailed right through his hands and he fell to the turf with a thud, whichever Celtic God Belichick made a deal with likely awoke and will soon be demanding his second-round sacrifice. 19. To that end, Bill, think it’s time to re-up with the deities. Maybe switch from Toutatis to Neit. Time to get back to your roots. 20. Though maybe Thornton dropped that pass on purpose. You don’t want to be the one guy in the receiver room on Monday who actually caught the ball and probably wouldn’t do much for camaraderie. That’s like reminding the teacher that she forgot to collect last night’s homework. 21. If New England is going to win a game going forward, it’s going to come on pick-sixes, turnovers when the ball is already in field goal range, and maybe a big punt/kick return that leads to points. I’d love to give this defense the opportunity to protect a lead as opposed to desperately try and keep all points off the board. 22. Bud Light decided that a commercial that featured Peyton Manning buying a round for the bar and, rather than drink any of it himself, hucking it around to a bunch of patrons would make for a good ad campaign. Then Emmitt Smith showed up for absolutely no reason and he starts hucking beers. Guess there are only so many Dilly Dillys to go around. 23. This may just be me spinzoning it... but I can’t help but feel that if this team just had a barely serviceable quarterback, they’d be a lower-level good team. It’s just so wild that they’ve given up 10 points or less for three straight games and lost them all. New England makes the playoffs this year with Baker Mayfield or Derek Carr. Hell, they probably even make it with Josh Dobbs. 24. To that end... is the Start Zappe crowd pivoting to the Start Malik crowd? Looking to give Zappe one more chance? Bring Back Mac? Ride Zappe out for the rest of the season? 25. Though I guess if you’re on Team Tank, you want to give your team the best possible chance to lose, which means you want to see... who, exactly, under center? I’m having a hard time reconciling wanting the highest draft pick possible and starting the best possible QB. The two seem to contradict each other. 26. Is it me, or did it seem like announcers Spero Dedes and Adam Archuletta actively dislike each other? 27. Or maybe they just realized, courtesy of this game, that they’re hands down the worst duo in the NFL and only get the worst games as a result, and that realization stings, so they’re taking it out on each other. Can’t say I blame them. 28. The hardest working person in the NFL yesterday was whoever had to make the highlight reel for this turdfest. I didn’t watch it — it’s Monday and I’m grumpy enough as it is — but how they got eight minutes worth of quality play out of that game is remarkable. 29. And finally... the real winners today were the fans who decided to sit in the freezing December rain for three hours to watch the backup QB on a 2-9 team try and get something going. Hats off to you all. I can’t imagine the NFL had Mitchell Trubisky vs. Bailey Zappe on Thursday Night when they were making up the schedule, but here we find ourselves. That game is going to be a disaster. But at least we get it over with early and don’t have to sit through it on Sunday. Source: https://www.patspulpit.com/2023/12/4/23 ... k-13-zappe
